By the time this is posted, I might be an aunt. I didn’t realize how awesome it was going to be until my brother’s wife got nearer and nearer her due date, and we had to buy baby shower gifts, and I bought some children’s books at the book fair, and it started to get real. One of us, one of us four dummies who were so close as kids, is about to be a parent. And the rest of us get to be around to share other perspectives on life with that kid, and buy him/her birthday gifts, and tell him/her silly stories about his/her dad as a kid (sorry for the pronoun game, but my brother and his wife opted not to know the gender). We get to be the awesome aunts and uncles that my aunts and uncles were for us, and I’m so excited about the privilege. There’s going to be one more person to share this adventure with, and it’s going to be a much cuter person than any of us are anymore, and s/he’s going to have so much to learn!
All that got me thinking about what kind of aunt I wanted to be, and I really want to be the crazy aunt who shows up every couple of years with really awesome gifts and maybe takes my little niece/nephew to the zoo lets him/her have ice cream for lunch because, shoot, I’m 32 and I’ll have ice cream for lunch sometimes, and how much more awesome is that when you’re like eight? And maybe I’ll forget to ask what time s/he’s “supposed” to go to bed when s/he comes to visit, and I’ll just let him/her stay up late and watch SNL with me and Jeremy. Who knows.
And all that got me thinking about how s/he’s going to have other aunts and uncles playing different roles, and how those roles aren’t set in stone yet because this is the first baby for both sides of the family, and I decided to submit an application for the position of Crazy Aunt. I wrote up a cover letter, and I started to write a resume, but I decided that as much as it would be to mess with my brother’s kid, he and his wife probably wouldn’t want me giving him/her a list of exploits that included dancing on bars in Taiwan, getting into unlicensed cabs, attempting to “run away” at age seven, and all the other inappropriate behavior that counts as “crazy”. So, we’ll save that for later. Here’s the letter, if you’re interested.
And here’s the text:
Dear Baby ——:
I am writing you in regards to the position of Crazy Aunt. I was advised by your parents, —— and ——, that this position will soon be available and they felt I would be an ideal candidate.
I understand that the requirements of the Crazy Aunt position can be quite onerous, but based on my skills and experience as a Crazy Sister, Crazy Teacher, and Crazy Lady, I am confident I can meet your expectations. Not only do I sometimes live in China, but I also have dessert after every meal. I will expect the same from you when you visit. I can sing “Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes” at an astounding speed and I have perfected the hand choreography for “Itsy, Bitsy Spider”. In fact, I am only marginally afraid of spiders and I am a big fan of snakes and all other reptiles and amphibians. I also love roller coasters, which is more than I can say for some of your other aunts and uncles.
I am moderately embarrassing in public and prone to engaging in spontaneous karaoke sessions. I like clapping to beats and shaking my behind, which I refer to as my “groove thang”. My favorite pretend microphones include forks, hairbrushes, and other people’s hands. I am unashamed of my “dancing”, whether on the floor, the table, or a sofa (don’t tell your parents). Sometimes I read books while taking walks around the neighborhood. However, I make a point of putting my book down whenever I reach an intersection so as to minimize the chances of my being hit by a negligent driver. “Safety first” is one of my mottos. Another one is “Live Más™”.
This letter alone may not sufficiently convey my qualifications. I understand that you were due to arrive on August 15 and that your arrival has been delayed by your reluctance to vacate your present quarters, but I would sincerely appreciate the opportunity to meet with you at your earliest convenience. I look forward to stealing and eating your nose and teaching you how to swear in a foreign language as soon as you are able.
Aunt Keili Rae
Resume furnished when you reach the age of majority.
PS- It has come to my attention that I may have unintentionally “misspelled” mottos, but that the current spelling is also acceptable, so we’re gonna go ahead and keep it as is.