9 things I can’t handle

  1. The sticky flypaper in my house. We live on a tropical island, so fruit flies and mosquitoes are ubiquitous. My adorable husband is really diligent in trying to minimize the number of little pests we have to deal with. His latest idea is posting sticky fly paper on the wall above our little kitchen trash can. I never notice it except when I am scraping something into the trash can, and only when THE STICKY FLY PAPER COVERED IN DEAD FRUIT FLIES GETS STUCK IN MY HAIR. Last time it happened, I burst into tears like a toddler. So gross.
  2. Things with tendrils. I’m not sure how to explain this. I can eat things with tentacles. Tentacles don’t bother me. But like when a bean sprout gets caught in the mesh covering our sink drain and I have to pull it out and there are maybe little roots (it grows fast here, give me a break), then I feel nauseous. I imagine this stuff growing into my skin and I want to die. People who are scared of holes are trypophobic, but what are people who are afraid of tentacles/tendrils called?
  3. Bugs. Beyond the fruit flies and the mosquitoes, I don’t have to deal with a lot of insects, but I have a horned frog and he eats crickets. I have to pick them up every now and then and they kind of stick to me and kind of crawl and it makes me go cold.
  4. Coughing without covering your mouth. It’s nuts how often you can see people walking around with their mouths WIDE OPEN LIKE AN AIRPLANE HANGAR and just make terrible noises and letting whatever is in their mouth fly out. This is how the world ends.
  5. Spitting. The sight of somebody’s wad of sputum on the ground makes me nauseous, but also, c’mon guys: GERMS. If you have something you gotta get rid of, get a tissue or get thee to a toilet and expectorate. Don’t just put all your nastiness outside for everyone to share.
  6. Leftover Chinese food. I LOVE CHINESE FOOD. But most of it is stir-fried and very oily. Most of the meat is very fatty. The vegetables are boiled, steam, or sauteed, and very wet. There is nothing better when it’s hot out of the wok, and nothing less appetizing when it’s gotten cold. People disagree with me, but I don’t think you can reheat Chinese food, either. It’s just never edible again. That’s why I eat it all right away.
  7. Thick drinking glasses. Okay, obviously, I can if I have to. But I really like drinking out of the “right” cups–thin, crystal glasses for wine, mason jars for iced tea, little juice glasses, highball class, beer bottles or cans, my Nalgene…but some people have these thick glass or plastic cups and they just use them for whatever and they are bulky and uncomfortable and poorly made and I just would rather not have anything to drink than drink my tea out of some weird heavy glass.
  8. Loose hairs. I have fairly long hair and I shed a lot, so I am always finding hairs on me, hairs on the floor, hairs in the bathroom…but every time, it makes me feel a little sick. And other people’s hair makes me feel doubly unwell. Also, loose fingernails. For a while, one of my sibs was collecting their fingernails in a little glass jar just to be a weirdo, and they showed it to me, and I almost puked. Ugh. If it’s supposed to be attached to your/my person, and it’s not, it makes me ill.
  9. Other people’s beds or laundry. This all kind of falls under the same umbrella because I feel like it’s all gross. Of course I have slept in other people’s beds before, but I am usually at least a little uncomfortable. Other people sleeping in my bed tends to put me right over the edge if I think about it too much. I don’t even like to mix other people’s laundry in with mine, except for my husband. All those dirty underwear rubbing around together in that germy water…

…I die.

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