this is why i can’t find anything to watch

we might have cable–i don’t know–and we have netflix, but i can never find anything to watch between monday nights when i watch game of thrones and insecure. i poke around netflix like looking in a fridge full of condiments for something to eat but i can’t find anything to watch because these stupid blurbs are the only thing i have to go on. tell me if you would watch these shows based on these descriptions:

“Great friends, hot new dining spots, spontaneous adventures. He’s living his best life, but he’s ready to level up.”
this sounds like the status update of a dude who just broke up with his cheating partner and also inexplicably talks about himself in the third person.

“He moved from Idaho to New York and looks like a 1950s ice cream man. But there’s a lot going on behind that happy face.”
i don’t do horror flicks and this definitely sounds like the tagline for a movie about a serial killer and not a stand-up comedy special

“Sam’s on the spectrum. He’s ready to start dating. But growing up means growing pains for his family.”
this should be great because normally when children hit adolescence it barely registers with their family members.
get the popcorn, honey!

“Rob’s madly in love and about to married. Unfortunately he’s also naked, stuck in an elevator, and caught in a time loop.”
you silly goose where is your pants

“They’re young, they’re attractive, they’re in love. They’re also renting living space in a derelict hospital.”
this sounds like netflix is spoofing itself. wtf wants to watch a show based on this description?

“What’s a Midwest girl to do after she’s spent the last fifteen years trapped underground? Moved to New York of course.”
hijinks ensue

“These guys are different, but one thing they do have in common is that they’re totally hopeless in dating and life.”
this sounds like something you’d put on while you’re babysitting, and if your charges are too young to appreciate jokes about pedophiles, cocks, hitler, cancer, and so on, then you’re fine.

“Her staff is stoned, her patients are baked, and she’s definitely flying high. Welcome to Ruth’s Alternative Caring.”
those drug jokes are so edgy.
did your mom write a blurb for a netflix show about medical marijuana?

“Some people can accept rejection and move on with their lives. This teenage girl isn’t one of them.”
that is not something that anyone thinks teenage girls do. if i wanted to get invested in a story about a teenage girl who doesn’t accept rejection like a financially-independent divorcée, i would ask you what high school was like for you

“Their search for The One takes some seriously awkward detours. But in the meantime, they’ve got each other.”
based on this blurb i refused to watch lovesick for a while but then i read that it was a show about a guy who found out he had chlamydia and had to go back to all the women he’d slept with and tell them he had an std and meanwhile his best friend is in love with him and then i watched both seasons in one weekend

The Brand New Testament movie review

I watched The Brand New Testament as soon as I could after seeing the trailer. Totally dig any project that purports to pursue the answer to the age-old question: What if God were one of us?

According to this film, He’d be a giant asshole in Bruxelles, which would be a veritable Garden of Eden if God weren’t such a maladjusted sadist. There is a nod to the fact that he might be a bored genius, which of course I can totally empathize with, but nonetheless He’s a bastard who enjoys other humans’ pain and suffering. He finds it amusing, from drafting Murphy’s laws to orchestrating terribly ironic human tragedies like not being able to spend your life with the one person you love. He’s the cosmic-scale version of the shitty kid who for laughs stomps out ants and pulls the legs off spiders. Continue reading “The Brand New Testament movie review”